FallenGone
by bobdabuilder0804
Summary: COMPLETE Refers to all four season including the final of S4. Centered around Jack and Kim. Please review. Short ficlet. COMPLETE


Fallen/Gone.

It hadn't been easy as a child, watching a loved one leave, knowing deep down that there was the possibility of no return despite her parents reassuring smiles as he left. As a youngster she hadn't minded the absence, she would be sad of course, but excited with her fathers return and the gifts it would bring. There would be an almost celebratory atmosphere around the house when he came home, and her mother would smile more than ever, they both would.

It was a stark contrast to the times when he was gone, the air would seem stale and the house still. But when he returned it would be buzzing with activity, as though it would burst at the seams. His presence seemed to make the air smell sweeter and made her perfect world all the more brighter.

As she got older, she started to treat the trips away suspiciously. She hadn't minded when she got to miss school as she and her mother anxiously waited for his return, but now she did. He didn't smile as much when he returned, he was always seemed tired, her mothers laughter slowly disappeared from the house as the years passed by.

Maybe she had been jealous, it was certainly understandable. She would wonder what was more important than her when he missed her birthday or Christmas. He told her he loved her all the time, but then why did he keep leaving her and making her mum cry when he returned?

Kim recalled how she had rebelled against her mum as her mind became a home for the demons her missing father created. She had always been a daddy's girl but it was hard to keep up when he was away from often home more often than not, she was scared of losing him. She started to ask unanswered questions about him, where he went, why somebody else couldn't go.

'Its too important not to go,' he had told her one night as she cried, he'd had to leave the next morning. She had still been young, too young to understand why her heart was shattering. Were these trips more important than her? She thought so, but she wouldn't tell him. Instead she cried alone and tried to make even more of the time they had together when he was at home.

When her mother gave her no answers for the persistent questions her jealously and upset had slowly been transformed to anger. Why didn't she stop him from leaving, or at least tell her why he was away all of the time? Why did she let him work a job like this, when she got to stay at home all day as she worked?

She had felt like the whole world was against her and done her best to fight back, fight her mother back, in the very least. She was hurting her mother to relieve the pain she felt but at the time she didn't understand what she was doing or why. Now, a fully grown woman, she could only hope her mother understood what her daughter had been doing. Trying to cope. Its what they had all been doing, even Jack.

After her mothers death on the day of the Presidential Primary, Kim began to understand. It took a while longer before she could accept it, this time her reaction had been to hurt her father. It was ironic, how cruel the world was. She had aimed her hate at her mother and wished her away, praying for her father to stay at home with her instead. Now she had what she thought she had wanted. Of course she had never wanted anything so raw or extreme, but her mother was gone. Hadn't she screamed at her to leave her alone before? She knew she wasn't supposed to be happy, and she wasn't.

Her father was now at home. Something else she had prayed for, but now he was here, it was the last thing she wanted. He became her new person to hate as she reflected her pain and guilt at him, wanting him to hurt as much as she had, and still did, over the remorse of her relationship with both of them. Why was it all so wrong, she had wondered?

She had pushed her father away when he needed him the most, a selfish act she now knew she would never forgive herself for. Just like he would never forgive himself for the situation which initially let to both of their remorse, on top of his other short comings. She knew she was paying him back, for the times when she had needed him, wanted him, but he couldn't come home. He was 'busy' or 'working' while she was left at home, wondering what he really was doing and why it was more important than his family.

Part of her rebellion had been in the hopes that he would return to help Terri control her. But he didn't. He would ring, ask, plead with her to stop giving her mother a hard time, and then there would be nothing else for another week or two; until he came home or made another phone call. He was aware of his shortcomings, she had made sure of it; she had to hurt him, she wanted personal justice in her selfish frame of mind.

It was something she was not proud of but she also knew the separation and pain they had both been subjected to made them closer together in the long run. For the more she pushed him away, the more she needed him - but she wouldn't allow herself to give in. Looking back, she now realised how her father must have felt being sent away for months at a time away from his family. He must have needed them more than ever, but couldn't have them, not until the job was finished.

But then they did reconcile, although there was no reconciliation needed. She had instead dropped the pretence that she didn't need him, and given in to her needs. This time he was there when she needed him, it was as though everything would finally be okay, they could start to salvage the pieces of what they once were.

After the day of the bomb they grew close again, they both dropped the defending walls that had surrounded them since the death of Terri and began to open up. They were totally vulnerable to each other, the way any real father and daughter relationship could be.

Things didn't go downhill the way she had imagined, despite Jack taking back the job which had destroyed her perfect world and perfect father. Instead she turned the problem into a solution by taking a course enabling her to work with him too. Not only would this prevent separation, Kim hoped this would also help her understand him better, and what she had witnessed as a child when he disappeared. All would be revealed, she had hoped, and it was.

She couldn't say the revelations were easy to accept, to her or her partner, who was also learning things about Jack and the way the world worked. She had smiled when Chase had decided that that life wasn't for him, her father was the reason for his resignation, she knew, for he didn't want to end up like Jack. She was proud of them both from that day, despite learning of her fathers damaging secret.

The gap the drug addiction had brought was closed when she helped him fight through the struggle which awaited him. He got clean, knowing she wasn't angry or disappointed in him, and that she would be there for him afterwards.

During his time in Washington they had missed each other but both loved the freedom they had, while appreciating there time together ever more. Things were good, they were both happy; life was sweet. She almost felt as though she had her perfect world back, counting down her days to the next trip into Washington. But like all things good in life, it didn't last. It wasn't fair, she thought, why there is such an extent of unequal suffering? Why did they keep getting kicked back down despite the steps they made to stand back up again?

Kim soon realised just how unfair life was, but there was nothing she could do to prevent it.

The funeral had been and gone but she still couldn't accept it. She was lost. Chase couldn't get through to her and was equally as devastated and frustrated with the situation. Why were the government trying to keep the details of his death so quiet? It was as though they didn't want to have to deal with the death of such a hero, they were trying to sweep it under the rug like a bad accident.

And it was an accident, but they hadn't announced who was to blame. His killer wouldn't be brought to justice, Tony had told them, before urging them to back off. 'It would be better for Jack,' he had said. What did that mean?

The details of the death had been shady and Kim and Chase convinced themselves they were such a way to save them the pain of the knowledge of what had happened. He had been just another death in the agency, they didn't pain the picture of the hero he had been. They were happy about that, knowing Jack would appreciate it, he was always too modest and humble about his abilities and accomplishments.

Of course the quiet respectable funeral and tight lipped government did nothing to ease the pain. For weeks all she felt was raw emotion, pain and regret. Was this how he felt when Terri died, or was it worse? Was the pain she felt stronger due to the bond they had created after a year of pain and separation?

As time passed the pain didn't disappear or weaken, instead they learnt how to deal with it. It was still unfair, how fate had been so cruel to him, a man as great and selfless as he was.

Kim knew, as did other friends and colleagues of Jack Bauer, that things would never be the same without him. There was a hole which could never be filled, a legend which would never be told.

PLEASE REVIEW :D


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